Thursday, January 29, 2009

Vent Mode!

You should read this blog with extream caution!! Be very careful!! Do NOT let the negativeness and nastyness rub off on you!!

This is a vent blog.. Michael is sleeping so Im going to hurry and get all the negative rude nasty unhappiness out so when he wakes up I will be ready to smile and make sure everything is ok.

On most days and most subjects I can and do vent to Michael, but when it comes to his health I keep it to myself. I figure he has enough on his plate without feeling like he needs to "comfort" me. I allowed myself to get upset (due him being sick) in front of him 1 time and to try and make me ok he denied being sick and ended up blowing a hole in his left lobe.. I decided never again would I pull that card.

Normally I am a positive person, normally everday is positive. Today is not...
I am so very frustrated with CF and how insanely selfish it is. Normally when Michael is sick Im ok, I understand and I go with the flow weather it be hospital stays, home iv's or whatever but no not this time. For some reason this time Im angry.. not so much angry that hes sick but I think angry at the time.

Any of you that personally know Michael know that he is not ready to go to the hospital. Hes not ready to go with out his mom, hes not ready to wake up and not need to call and let her know what sindel said, hes not ready for her to not bring him cereal everyday, hes not ready for her to not show up with a pack of razors and insist just because he has a cough dosent mean he gets to not shave, hes not ready for a stay with out all the things she did while he was in.
Hes not ready to let his dad see him sick. He wants to move this weekend. He wants to go back to karate. He wants to sleep at night. and more than anything he wants to feel good. But CF dosent care. It dont care where you are emotionally. It dosent care about what you want or dont want. And yes I know first above anything else Michael must take care of himself, hes knows this also. And thats what will be done.. Keep in mind Im just venting.

Vent session #2
Yesterday when we were at Dr. S there was a lady in his office sitting next to us and M started coughing, well a few mins. later she sat up and she goes "oh Ive been doing that same thing." "Thats why Im here, Im sure I must have some kind of allergy problem." We smiled and nodded. A few mins. passed and he coughed again so again she sat up and said "atleast you are not at the sinus doctor" "I just left there and they are wanting to do some kind of surgery to clean out my sinuses." Now I know that this poor lady did not mean anything by what she said but I got so angry! I just wanted to scream at her! I really just wanted to say "No were not at the sinus doctor. We are not there because we just saw him a month ago! In the hospital.. Right after sinus surgery #10!!"

Ok so now that I have let all that out let me go on to say..
As frustrated as I may get with CF I have to say that it has taught me alot. CF has taught me how to love without limits, to be thankful for EVERY second of time you/I have, along with every breath you/I take, to love and cherish the time you have with the people you love, and it has taught me how uncertian life can be. It has allowed me to meet some wonderful people and go on some memorable trips, and it gives you a bond that most people dont have.
Its a huge part of our life and I wouldnt change our life for ANYTHING.

So even though I had a break in my positiveness I have not, nor will I ever forget all the wonderful, positive, happy and loving things and people Michael and I have in our life.
I really should not even be complaining. When I step back and look at how many great things I have and how much worse things could be it really makes me feel guilty that I even allowed myself to get upset over such trivial things. I guess this blog turned out to be quite theraputic for me! I feel much better and now realize things are not so bad =).

Thanks for reading =)

1 comment:

  1. Vent all you want girl! I'm here for ya:) Although, you pretty much said everything I was going to say at the end:) LOL Micheal is so lucky to have you by his side. Keep up the good work. Let me know if you ever need anything:)